Recommendations to the IRS

I have been thinking lately on how I can help the economy and at the same time get the financial "assistance" that I need. Below are my top three ideas (so far):

1. Make at least 1/3 of all Gas (I realized once I was done writing this post that I capitalized Gas... sort of like God... that's sad, real sad)used by each tax paying American a tax deduction.

Why? (Glad you asked.) Because I would say that is the lowest percentage of gas used by a single American in an effort to get to work on a daily basis. Oh, you were asking why it should be a tax deduction... Well, it's simple really. I only drive those miles to go somewhere to make the money that I then pay the government to keep the bloated US government running. So I think that because most of the reason I am driving those miles is so the government can pay farmers not to grow crops, continue to enable a entitled-attitude amongst our most dis-enfranchised communities and spend $5 per paper clip at the White House. Without that gas that I consume, none of that might be possible. So give a girl a break and let me a little back.

2. Coffee - Make all the coffee consumed in America a tax deduction.

Why? (Well, I think its obvious, but here it goes.) I only consume coffee to get up in the morning to go to work to make the money to pay the taxes to enable the bloat and thus keep this country moving. So, I think that I should be given a benefit for being willing to hype myself up on caffeine to help this country prosper.

3. Good Citizen Tax Credit - I believe that I should get $50 for each month of the year that I don't pop a cap into some jag-off who cuts me off on the freeway or gives me the wrong order at the drive-thru or asks if my boys are twins.

Why? (Now you are just being silly. I should not have to explain to you) I know I'm not suppose to hurt people and so I don't. I live within the boundaries of the law, support local economy and live my life as a contributing member of society. I mean honestly, if Baby Momma can get food stamps because she can't keep her legs shut, then should I not get something too for internalizing my stress instead of acting out.

Can you tell I paid close to $4.00 a gallon for gas this weekend? Can you also tell that I'm sort of bitter about that? No... Well, good. I was trying to keep my emotions in check -- see once again, I am earning my Good Citizen Tax Credit.